System of a Down

It lashes me like chains against slaves. I take peoples worst insecurities, and try to make it the thing they are most comfortable with, because everyone deserves to be beautiful, and know who they are. But no, not you, you take mine and wear them as jewelry on your body because you can not let it go and give up one second to see what they are. If you just opened-your blind eyes to the things unseen, you'd see you wear it all over you, because you can not just let it go. You know it all, you'd finally understand what it's all about, but you can not give yourself 1-second to try and see. I don't know why, but I bow off this mountain top and into the river I drown.

You Never Did Have Me

Worried again, never good enough you say. How much bullshit can that phrase hold? You've always been good enough, but I'll never be convincing enough to tell you that, so don't worry about losing something that you thought you never had.

Nothing

I fight for every real word or thought you give me. You can't ever simply tell me whatever the hell is on your mind. Can't just be real enough with me to break my feelings, and shatter my heart.
I know, I know, right from the start I shouldn't expect this to last. It's just a moment in time, but before long it'll all be gone. Who are you kidding, you be mine and I be yours. You can't sit still that long. It shows time and time again, if only if only you'd be that real with yourself. But each torture to its own. I live inside yours and you live inside mine.
I am rambling, but damn it is all about those words that always go left unsaid. Those words you never really seem to speak. Those words and feelings I feel I fight for, every time they're.. but oh wait.. "nothing"

Morbidly Uncomfortable

Fuck a person who is so weak,
That they can't even see,
This same stupid cycle,
It's always set on high,
Cause you just can't be comfortable with you.

Always have to chase down one more place,
Looking for one more show,
Just someone who will make you feel your worth being you.

I'll never give you what you need,
Cause I can't cater to your feed,
You are just lookin' for something,
That I can't have.

Sometimes I call myself emo,
but I know who I am,
I'm a fag, I'm a fag,
And I'll kick your ass,
Cause I'm one evil ass.

Sometimes

Sometimes I forget to live before I die,
I forget to breathe before I exhale,

Sometimes I write before I feel,
I speak before I think.

Sometimes I hear before I listen,
I know before I learn.

Sometimes I act before my scene,
I snap the picture before the action.

Sometimes I draw before the picture is there,
I play before the music is made.

Whataya Want From Me?

Sometimes when I get into song I feel like I am really the person singing and the maker of the music, but I am not. No matter how much I scream it, "Whataya Want From Me" it is still written by Adam Lambert. Sometimes I j

Matthew Chapter 1:1-17 The Geneology of Jesus

In summary Matthew 1:1-17 is about the generations to Jesus and about how Jesus was born of Mary who was wife to Joseph. There was 14 generations from Abraham to David and 14 from David to the exile of Babylon and 14 from the exile of Babylon to Jesus.

Who Am I?

Have you ever been sitting in between 5,000 people
and felt completely alone
because none of them know you are there
and none of them know who you are
they may know you by name
but if your body was not attached to the name
would they still recognize who you are
in behind the mask that we all seem to
hide behind.

No one can seem to find their very own core
It is lost within
Hidden where the pain lays
Where the truth lays
Where who we are is
not who we really want to be
Fear changes who we are on the outside
and this fear causes us to never know
who the real person is.

Masks,
they hide are opinions
and are judgments,
our angry
and our hate,
They display them in such a back handed form,
It's the difference in feeling genuinely welcomed,
and there not being a friendship outside the meet and greet,
Invest some time,
Does anyone really know?

I feel angry
Anger that stems into all of my other emotions
Like pain and hate.

Are you the girl that knows what it's like to
Run from it all
Sing like no ones listening
Trapped in a whirl
Confused in an oblivion
Cutting into your skin
To make it all seem so real.

Are you the girl too afraid to face the mirror
You'll never see something you like
The picture just ain't what you've seen,
Are you the one who jumps off buildings and
holds guns
and pushes it just too far
So no one can see just what you really are?

No one seems to care about the core,
Because to be real with someone, means vulnerability
Which just isn't something we're willing to do
No one is willing to fight for just what is right..
And not what is right for them
But for the real under lying cause
Where all of these issues stem from
We're too lost with what's on top
Too dig in deeper and go find the core
Either no one cares or we're all lost in fear.

Are you the girl who can't tell
who holds a secret so deep
That if the wrong person knew
Your love would be FREAK
People who once respected you
Completely forget what real love is
Can't define your faith
Because God didn't make your race
The cut just wasn't made for your kind of love.

Are you the girl whose written death
Just wasn't a success
When you walked out
The next door was still the same hell
Your execution
Was left waiting in that long line
The penalty of death was just waiting your turn.

I don't really know how to end quite what I'm saying,
I'm no writer and I'm no poet,
Simply someone with Impact and Change tattooed to their body,
Someone with uninformed truth to share,
Someone lost on where everyone's reality runs,
Someone scarred from humility,
Someone who's vulnerability would never fully be taken,
Not that I think no one out there doesn't feel the same way,
I've just never seen anyone admitting to this very same name.

Love Breaks Your Heart

I don't know what I am saying yet, it's just what I feel coming right now. Like a storm that I feel coming in my knees, I feel this coming in my heart. If one good day does not come to lighten the abyss, I feel my heart going astray, and needing somewhere else to go for rest and to seek comfort. I can not take the daily stress and anxiety, I thought love was enough, but maybe I am just not strong enough for this. Sometimes I feel bad for those misconceptions and breaking your heart but I just can't seem to let go of things. Things never really change, I am back to that same doubt, if you can't stop that doubt then maybe this isn't where I am suppose to be. I've lost myself in my own world, it's back to where no one really knows and everything's written in code. I don't want to be left behind, just another fly on the wall, an attempt for love but left fatal to fall. I can not stand this lack of communication and the constant push away, the stress and the anger all thrown-up in the air.. for me to catch the brunt end of it.. where then I might say, "just get over it", I can't stand such the high levels of disappointment when I fail you and I see you cry, I can't stand the feeling that I'll never be enough because there will always be someone else playing along to steal this dance from me. Maybe over all I can not stand myself and my own insecurities, I repeat them again to you and I say why I feel like I am not worth it, but here we are again, lost in this same old story where I feel that you can't love me. Should I really blame myself though? Should I be made to feel like the second string? I don't want to be the best and hear how everyone else compares, and who catches your eye when I'm not there, hitting the stress and feeling like it's my fault, being pushed away, wrong for doubting things where no love has been shown, a sore lack of communication, and no days without an argument. It is you who chose not to love me and leave me like this after sirens and warnings, I guess nothing came through on the other line. At the end of the night when all is said and done, I try once again to sleep off the fact that I love you more.

Impact

I have been impacted by Christ to do something powerful, to change the world. Every day I go through trials, but I try to keep sight of what it is that is God's plan and God's will for my life. I currently work with many different Social Justice Organizations, work at Rivendell Hospital where I will hopefully get to make a difference in sexually, emotionally, and physically abused adolescents lives, I am a girlfriend, I am a friend, I am a student, and I also inspire to be a mother one day. Through all of these different things I hope to impact the world and make a difference, and not lose myself along the way, and not fail and fall short, although I know I will always fall short of the glory of God, I hope that I always continue to do my best.

I love God with all of my heart and realize that He was called me to be His servant and work with children and the impoverished to the best of my ability. I am set out with that goal in mind, and wish to do so in and outside of the church for the rest of my life.

I with my career path and my career choice want to work with abused adolescents and juvenile delinquents and also do lab research, and then in my spare time I'd like to write and take pictures. I want to document things and write stories about kids, so people can see change and view kids lives, it is so easy to change a child's world.

As a girlfriend, I want to make whoever it is in my future feel completely loved, and be completely in love with them. I want to be able to do all that I can for them, take care of them, and give them all that I can. I want to love with pure passion and be loved right back with that same passion. I want full trust, and I never want to doubt whoever it is that I marry, and it just be the kind of love you do not see, because God is represented in our lives. I never want to be emotionally, physically, or mentally cheated on as I would never do that to my future spouse. I want a binding love, that when times are rough and things are very weak we can still rely on each others faithfulness and love to push us through and persevere until the end.

I want to be a dependable friend, and have dependable friendships. I want to be able to continue and always be there for my friends as they need me or as I may need them. I never want to get lost with any one particular thing or item, I want to learn to balance each thing and love all and do for all.

I hope to be a good student and graduate and continue to be educated all of my life. Education is important and I want to always continue to learn.

One day, I also inspire to be a mother in some way, shape, or form. I fear this a lot, from how I was raised and all that happened to me while I was growing up. If I ever get the chance, I hope to be the best that I can be.

With Social Justice organizations, I realize that I can not do it all, but I want to do all that I can do. When things do not seem simple I hope I never give up or do less than I can do. I hope to always keep my ministry passion at my side and let it grow and let it prosper into all that God wants it to be.


With all of these impacts I also have self goals. These are things that I always just wanted to do through out my life because I have found them interesting and it has been laid upon my heart. With all that I inspire to be and do, I also don't want to lose sight of myself and those goals so I can always continue to inspire to be a very well-oriented person.

Some of those goals would be:

1. I want to one day fly. I want to fly around just to see what it feels like. I feel like flying would be such a free spirited thing and I would just really like to do so. It would be really cool to actually be the pilot, but I don't care. Flying has always been an interest of mine.

2. I want to continue to see concerts. Music and lyrics is a passion and a way of life. It's what has gotten me through a lot of my toughest of times. As I grow older, I don't want to lose sight of my beginning and how I defined myself and the things that helped get me to where I am now.

3. I want to do local Missions work and Missions work around the world. I want to be able to help people near and far.

4. I want to travel. There are several different places I want to see in my life before I die. I don't want to leave the world without giving it my all and seeing what I can, what a shame that would be.

5. Then there are a few random things amongst the crowd that I think would be really cool things to do one day. See my favorite NFL team live, and my favorite MLB team. I highly enjoy sports, and would like to see some live games.

6. For other odds and ends, personal goals I have is to stay physically fit and to always continue to read. As people get older they lose sight of their youth and things they use to do. I want to keep my youth and always grow from where it is that I began.

7. I want to stay in the word of God.

8. Ultimately I want to find love and love someone who loves me for all that I am. They like my silly goals, my serious goals, and all of who I am. Even though sometimes I am not the most realistic person in the universe I want someone who will continue to encourage me and never give up on me. I want someone who will love me unconditionally and even through the roughest of times never abandon me. I want someone who will never be abusive, or put up with abuse. I also want someone who I never have to worry about lying to me, cheating on me in anyway, or abandoning me whenever I screw up... I screw up a lot but I want the relationship to be stronger than that. I want someone who will let me love them unconditionally and do all that I can for them. I want someone who loves me for all of these things and who will take my encouragement and who will push me to be all that I can be as well. The only thing I truly need is someone who wants to go through God's word with me, and try to be as God like in a relationship with me and reflect as much of His love and grace as possible.


Blogger has become an open personal diary and journal where I store my thoughts and feelings, from my inner most vulnerable feelings to my weaknesses, to my fear and my goals, to whom I am and my love and passion.

With this you see my fear is that I will lose myself and fall under with to many different things. All that I inspire and want to be and do with my life, to the people around me who play a very big effect. But you also see my love and my passion, my goals and who I inspire to be and what I want to do, right down to it's very core.

Close My Eyes

When I close my eyes,
All I see is gone,
All my senses take me away,

They take me to a place,
So calming and true,
A place above the troubles in life,

A true place of existence,
Where the only existence,
Is a pure one,

And this place is safe,
It's deep within me,
And it holds the strongest sense of security,

For when I close my eyes,
I realize the only true existence,
Is the one within the music.

Green

I had things when I was there,
That'd make you forget the freshest air,
For all that matters you don't mean a thing,
But now I am back and here to stay,
and I don't need you anyway,
For all I care you don't mean a thing,
You kicked me hard when I was down,
You put my face into the ground,
For all that matters you don't mean a thing,
But you make the world go round,
You keep the speakers loud,
Why wouldn't we love you?
You let my guitar make sound,
Yet you're bringing me down,
Why would we love you?
You all can take me to different places,
I'm just so damn tired of so many forces,
For all i care you've ruined too many lives,
The business men pimp you out,
What's this game all about?
For all that matters you've ruined too many lives,
Everyone loses at a point in time,
I just sold my soul to make a dime,
For all I care you've ruined too many lives.

Earth Magnet

If I could hold your heart,
It would never break,
And we would be holding on forever,
Each day we'd grow a little closer,
And we'd fade away into forever.

If I could touch your heart,
We still wouldn't be close enough,
And if this isn't suppose to be forever,
But just as long as our love can prevail,
Should it not be forever?

I'm trying desperately,
To not so-come to the people in my head,
And I'll hold on,
To this embrasive love,
So I can carry out,
And hold your hand to the other-side.

Now I pray that,
I may be the one to give your wings,
To watch you soar,
Fly high,
And the lines of the road we travel down,
May never meet,
But they join.

I may hold your hands,
Meet your eyes,
Speak from the heart,
Hear your soul,
Drop the knee,
There we shall forever meet.

It will never be enough,
For me to hold you through the night,
To whisper I love you in your ear,
To hold on through the racing storms,
To craft the poem that tells just how I feel,
It's much bigger than I could ever imagine,
Now hold my hands,
I'll lead you in,
And carry on,
Our love holds us through,
Cause it's attached,
So we will make it through,
I won't let go until it kills me.

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. Lord you said once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The Lord replied, my precious, precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was when I carried you.

Gut-Wrenching Miserable

Why do I count on people? Why do I count on anyone? Why do I think anyone will be there for me? Why do I pretend that anyone cares about me or understands? No one understands what I feel, nor does anyone need to. I am living in a lonely world, that isn't so lonely, because there are a million other people out there alone in their thoughts. I am border line crazy.. No one knows it, but everyone can see it. I am depressed from every thought I feel, every thought I see, and every thought I am going to see or feel. I wanted to be worth more than what I am, but I'm not worth much of anything. Do you see why this is dangerous yet? Do you understand why I am not worth your time? I am insane at the sight of hurt and pain from you, I go a little more insane when I think I might be losing you, and I go even more insane when I think I am hurting you. I don't want to date you anymore, I don't even want to be with you at all anymore. I hate everything. I hate myself, and if I could, sometimes I would lay down and die.. but apparently that's not an option.

Should I Worry?

Should I worry I may lose every friend I once had? Should I worry that I may lose every Christian friend I once had? Why should I worry about losing every Christian friend I once had, doesn't the bible say thou shall not judge, who is a sinner to judge another sinner, and to love your neighbor like you love yourself? Why are Christians so easy to give up on other Christians? Why are Christians the quickest to show no grace and no mercy and to judge, because they are Christian and because of their morals? Is that what God really wanted? Gossip kills. ...Why is it that people thrive off of other peoples pain? Why do people spread rumors, rumors that hurt, rumors that kill and destroy? I don't understand why the people who consider themselves devout Christian's tell me that I am in the wrong for my sexual-orientation and my beliefs in equality, but are willing to do 10x's more damage by pointing fingers, judging, spreading rumors, and telling one how to live their life through their own point of view, instead of letting God lead them and me, take control, and let His will be done, not their own will for them or me, right or wrong.

On the Inside

My eyes on you,
It's all I ever want to see,
A small part of me wants to be inside of you,
That emotional thrill,
The physical meal,
Trampling your heart,
Like a little flower who has finally blossomed,
Spread inside of you is a piece of me,
Then comes out a butterfly without its wings,
But I press on and out comes the little dove,
And now I know how to fly,
Just maybe you now know a little about my love,
So we carry on through the rain,
And on the other side of the sun,
We remain lost hand in hand.

Concentration Camp

You try your best,
To cover your wounds with what you do,
But no matter what, your scars cover your body,
The innocence we have runs all over our body,
And when we find something more,
That we cannot believe yet still happens in our world,
Like our own brother touching you in the unholiest of ways,
And the okay from our most beloved parent to do so,
You wonder if your the one going insane,
But broken beneath us is our child like innocence,
That still hides within us,
And comes out every now and again to remind us who we are,
You hide within what you do,
In order to keep your concentration,
Because without your concentration, is when you start to go insane,
If you knew what you really thought then you might not ever love again,
If you knew what you really thought you might not be your own friend,
If you knew what you really thought you might never see anything the same again,
But I need my concentration so I never see the world as it is and I never have to see me for who I really am,
There are so many parts of me you'll never know,
And so many things you'll never see,
Because if you knew the truth you'd never see me for who I am,
It would all merely be sand in time and you'd soon forget,
As it all seems to fade away,
None of this will ever make since to you because this is just the rambling in my head.

How Do I Title What I Don't Know I Feel

Nothing makes sense anymore,
I can't get to the end because I know, no beginning,
I saw you, and you struck my heart,
Will you open up,
Take down your guard,
Take this for what this is?

I couldn't tell you how beautiful you were myself,
You had a man for that,
My heart told me otherwise,
Before this ever began I knew this was ever the same,
Didn't know I'd spend my sleepless nights in your room,
And you'd spend your hours outside your tower with me.

I wanted to be there for you,
Who you'd call when all the pieces fall apart,
I was hanging on a limb,
But I wanted to tell you that you don't need such a strong guard,
Your beautiful and I want in,
So you pulled me under,
And I went for a swim.

When I came up to catch my breath,
You asked "what" but I was lost in you,
Flowing through your eyes and heart,
I took you in close,
I put you in my arms,
Can't I just take you away?
That day we had our moment, where time stopped,
We didn't know if anything would ever be so beautiful again,
It felt as if time was infinite,
I was with you, you were with me,
Both holding on to each other,
Looking for something more out in the sky then anyone else could ever see,
The trees took us in and we ran together that day.

Now your catching on,
Throw our feelings with a football into negative come backs,
Does it have to end, or can I tell you?
Before you say no,
So I can sleep, can you just come to know I've been waiting for you?
But I can't say anything because there is an illusion of the moon over water,
I wish I would have know we'd come down to this,
But I would have never known,
Would you expect any less?

I'd go through this again,
Under the trees,
Where our thoughts blow through the breeze,
What we didn't know was our 'dirty little secret',
Would be spread when trying to 'erase the hate',
I know this is not pretend,
But their words were empty,
People held no weight,
You followed your heart,
I followed my instincts,
I'm thanking God for the time we have together,
But when I take it in, I still won't hold my breath,
No matter what they say though,
I will hold you here until you return back into the wild.

Then comes judgment day,
I lay with you to cuddle like I always do,
My gut turns as I think I want more than a friendship,
I let my hand slide to tell you that I feel for you,
you stare and I feel as if time is infinite,
My breathing is nervous,
And you ask me what I want, but I can't be sure what you mean,
I bury myself in you and I choke, "I like you",
And then guess what, you just might like me to,
And that kiss I'll never forget,
I didn't know if I'd ever feel again,
But in that moment I knew that I could learn to love you,
But that whole next day I anticipated you might have been mistaken,
So then began my chase.

Then when the moment comes when you try to slip away,
Let me be the first to apologize,
From the first hit with a shoe, to the chase down the hallway,
From hurting your feelings, and the day I wouldn't take care of myself,
I wanted to hold on tighter to reassure you that I don't want to take another step without knowing that everything's just like it should be,
I don't know how else to feel,
I just know that when it comes down to the end of the night,
When your the last thing I think of before I fall asleep,
I don't want to wake up the next morning to know when I see you,
I won't see my girlfriend,
I'll never be able to put to words what it is that I see,
I'll never be able to put to words what it is that I feel,
I'll never be able to put to words what it is that I think,
Nothing can truly capture this free spirit love that burns for you.

I hope to one day dance as a free spirit,
Dance naked and run the fields with you,
Then after it rains watch the rainbow form with you,
Maybe no one will ever agree with who we are,
But we will find an ease to be who we are,
So that we never fold over to the turmoil ahead of us,
Our love won't be trapped in a casket,
Buried by man,
Mans words hold no weight over us,
We will escape, hand in lovable hand.